I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
