writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
