The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
