Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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