What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
