I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
