Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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