there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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