Christians are straight up FREAKS
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
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