Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
