Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
