Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
