Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
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