my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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