DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
