the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize