it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
