Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
