its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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