when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
