I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
