Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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