Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
