Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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