this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
