so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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