It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you will always have a special place in my vag
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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