I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
