A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
