hotel room ftw
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
