The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
