Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
