So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
