I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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