Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
