the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
