Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
