I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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