Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
