I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You have to summon your inner elephant
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
