My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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