Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
