I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
