I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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