highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
