somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
sarcasm needs its own font
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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