Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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