I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Randomize
