Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I want a musical about memes.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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