Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
