I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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