Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
