and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
