when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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