Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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